I am good? ...

I have nothing today, but then i think i start everyday that way. I wrote 2 one page plays yesterday, one is eh, the other is great - well i love it and had good feedback, and why should i apologize for thinking my work is good? I don't always think it is, but i almost always apologize when i think its good. Why the hell is that?   Do you do that? Most women I know do. they are apologetic for their achievements as if to avoid offending anyone by saying "Im good". 

Years ago I lived with some pot head roomies they had a "friend" who'd drop by once in a while, one day they called and said he was coming over but their car had broken down and would i just let him in and be nice and give him a beer and theyd be there soon unless i had money and theyd pay me back.

 I was in for the night so I let the guy in, he early 20's, I gave him a beer as instructed and explained the car breaking thing. He started talking about school, he was in a music program and he said You know its funny I am really great at it. I am. I am good with music i love it and its my gift my talent and people hate me for saying it. I was a little confused, He said he wasnt downing anyone else's talents but why was it ok for him to say so and so was good but not to say he was good too? he didn't sound arrogant he didn't seem like he was putting on airs like we imagine from one who proclaims themselves talented and good -he just knew he was doing what he should and what he loved and what he was good at. " dropping in on friends" occasionally helped him pay the way. Other people in the program thought he was a prick. He wasn't, and he wasn't worried about what they thought. 

I was. for a long time. I would wonder what will people think of me if i say I'm good at something? Will I be shunned or hated or a bitch? I wont seem gracious! People wont like me! Im not arrogant! Im not a bitch!  Well, I wasted a lot of my time. I wasted a lot of my dreams. I wasted a lot of my talent.  So I wouldn't offend others. I lost friends (usually when i tried to adopt the devil may care i am good at it attitude, which was disheartening) and I'm still not there. Not completely but I do like my work, I do think i am good, but i still get a little queasy saying that or writing it down, like the sky is going to fall on me and i will pay for it later. 

Catholic guilt? being raised female?  artistic fear and guilt? self involved bullshit? 

who knows, maybe all of the above but i needed to write something today because i said i would dammit! Oh please! I don't expect you to read all this drivel - that would be deadly boring. I promise if its a good one, Ill let you know!