getting it write this time

I don't feel like titling today! I have no idea what I'm writing about or why, frankly I just need to start writing more. I gave up. I stopped. I got an email from my coach. I abandoned it a year ago, well mostly.  I still carry my notes with me and have my research all over my desk and I dread the idea of going back and reading what I've written for fear it will be awful or incomprehensible or totally lackluster and uninspiring. I peeked and it was good. I want to finish but iI think i must be inherently lazy. I procrastinate beautifully, if only one could get paid for procrastination! 

The truth is before this knee surgery (which by the way sucks! I can move about i have crutches but every move requires contemplation, effort and thought, just getting coffee from the kitchen to the couch in a studio apartment is an unbelievable bitch! thank god i bought the rolling chair! (sorry tangent) ) I thought well you wanted time to write. I often have told myself - if i only had three months where i had nothing to do - if i could sit in a cabin by a lake or a place near an ocean and had nothing to distract me, i could do wonders in three months. - O.k. well, there is no cabin or ocean, I am trapped in my apartment and  for the first time I regret the cable tv, (i just got it a few months ago for he first time in 8 years and I was forced into it by this whole "your tv wont work in 2009 if your analog" - what the hell is wrong with being analog?)  It is amazing how absolutely distracting it can be.  I have been out of work for three weeks -

 week 1  was basically sitting in bed with my leg propped up and attached to what can be described as an icee machine - keeping the leg cool. 

 week 2 I was kidnapped by my family and taken hostage for the holidays, I am happy they did, I wanted to see my grandparents, my parents, my siblings and the extended, but its a week away from your routine (as if i have one at this point!)

 week 3 is that vortex week that only occurs between xmas and new year, no one really does anything productive,  work schedules are weird, schools are unclear about what to do, people arent sure if they are on vacation or not.  its a wasted week across the country we all just watch those how did the year turn out programs- the best,  the worst, the most mediocre of 2008!!

    So I shouldnt feel so bad about wasting my time watching reruns of Law and Order, CI,   SVU, CSI, NCIS, ETC. ETC. ETC!! (the last three arent officially on tv yet but i would probably watch them!! apparently i am really into tv with initials!)  In any case, not being a tv watcher i have been unduly sucked into the vortex and am finding it hard to escape, my friends, knowing I would be incapactitated for at least six weeks, showered me with dvd sets of tv shows like 30 rock, weeds, couplings, heroes - i feel obligated to watch them all before i return to work so they know their gifts and more importantly their efforts to assist in my recovery were not in vain! But I  watch the time slip away and i begin to fret and anxiety creeps up on me and I think " your missing your chance!! What about all those lofty plans?!  You need to finish a project! You wanted three months to finish your work now you have them dont fuck it up!" 

I dont want to,  but I am afraid its possible that i will, i cant remember the last time I completed a project and I  dont know why I have such an odd block. I miss writing with someone. I miss having a person to bounce it all off of, to praise, to listen to, comment on, to encourage and be encouraged by. I hope I am starting the new year right.

 Can I call this a start? 

Too bad,  I am.