getting it write this time

I don't feel like titling today! I have no idea what I'm writing about or why, frankly I just need to start writing more. I gave up. I stopped. I got an email from my coach. I abandoned it a year ago, well mostly.  I still carry my notes with me and have my research all over my desk and I dread the idea of going back and reading what I've written for fear it will be awful or incomprehensible or totally lackluster and uninspiring. I peeked and it was good. I want to finish but iI think i must be inherently lazy. I procrastinate beautifully, if only one could get paid for procrastination! 

The truth is before this knee surgery (which by the way sucks! I can move about i have crutches but every move requires contemplation, effort and thought, just getting coffee from the kitchen to the couch in a studio apartment is an unbelievable bitch! thank god i bought the rolling chair! (sorry tangent) ) I thought well you wanted time to write. I often have told myself - if i only had three months where i had nothing to do - if i could sit in a cabin by a lake or a place near an ocean and had nothing to distract me, i could do wonders in three months. - O.k. well, there is no cabin or ocean, I am trapped in my apartment and  for the first time I regret the cable tv, (i just got it a few months ago for he first time in 8 years and I was forced into it by this whole "your tv wont work in 2009 if your analog" - what the hell is wrong with being analog?)  It is amazing how absolutely distracting it can be.  I have been out of work for three weeks -

 week 1  was basically sitting in bed with my leg propped up and attached to what can be described as an icee machine - keeping the leg cool. 

 week 2 I was kidnapped by my family and taken hostage for the holidays, I am happy they did, I wanted to see my grandparents, my parents, my siblings and the extended, but its a week away from your routine (as if i have one at this point!)

 week 3 is that vortex week that only occurs between xmas and new year, no one really does anything productive,  work schedules are weird, schools are unclear about what to do, people arent sure if they are on vacation or not.  its a wasted week across the country we all just watch those how did the year turn out programs- the best,  the worst, the most mediocre of 2008!!

    So I shouldnt feel so bad about wasting my time watching reruns of Law and Order, CI,   SVU, CSI, NCIS, ETC. ETC. ETC!! (the last three arent officially on tv yet but i would probably watch them!! apparently i am really into tv with initials!)  In any case, not being a tv watcher i have been unduly sucked into the vortex and am finding it hard to escape, my friends, knowing I would be incapactitated for at least six weeks, showered me with dvd sets of tv shows like 30 rock, weeds, couplings, heroes - i feel obligated to watch them all before i return to work so they know their gifts and more importantly their efforts to assist in my recovery were not in vain! But I  watch the time slip away and i begin to fret and anxiety creeps up on me and I think " your missing your chance!! What about all those lofty plans?!  You need to finish a project! You wanted three months to finish your work now you have them dont fuck it up!" 

I dont want to,  but I am afraid its possible that i will, i cant remember the last time I completed a project and I  dont know why I have such an odd block. I miss writing with someone. I miss having a person to bounce it all off of, to praise, to listen to, comment on, to encourage and be encouraged by. I hope I am starting the new year right.

 Can I call this a start? 

Too bad,  I am. 

day 2

Ok let me update here - tuesday, 8 am go to hospital with jay,  830 arrive, fill out paperwork, have intake with woman who tells me not to worry they do a lot of nip tuck there but they wont accidentally give me vaginoplasty or a new chin, they do lots of that there but not penile implants....I did not ask for this kind of information at 830 am without food or coffee in my system. really your joking about vaginoplasty? EEEWWW!!! I would like to point out one last time that i was a the ear eye and throat hospital. 

so they send me to a receptionist who dresses me up in the or garm including matching booties and shower cap (jay takes a photo or 2 because its funny and later i post them as i will do here if i can.then i see my fourth person who says she is my nurse - however after a half hour i will never see her again, i sis not see the same person twice all day except for the anestesiologist and the second time was only for a matter of moments. once in the or the plopped me on a table and stuck my arms out to the side (rather cross like) as they popped heart moniters on my i noticed the ceiling was very pretty and said it would be a good picture, thats all i remember of the o.r. 

1230/1 pm ish i am in recovery with a new batch of folk who show me the pain chart (what 6th grader made up the smiley face to mad face pain chart, how did this become the official indicator of pain) she asks me to point - before she can finish i yell out NINE!  it is the most decisive i have ever felt about pain. she said it needed to be a four or less before i could go back downstairs and she shot some morphine into me. YAY. moments later or an hour honestly i dont know she showed me again i instantly responded  - Four! - i wanted to leave.

at 245p still in recovery i heard a nurse say "put preston ahead of so and so shes been here forever" which i would concur with but i just didnt care i was very busy trying to be awake in case anything happened but it was a struggle. soon i heard people were coming back from lunch and they would get to me. then i was rewarded with a cup of ice. for having been so patient and not complaining, dude im on morphine if thees no pain i dont care where you keep me - also Ice which i would scoff at in any given circumstance was like crown jewels i hadnt eaten or had beverages since 9pm the prior night and i was desperately thirsty - i had forgotten how thirsty until i started sucking ice. finally I heard, "Perston yes we have her why didnt anyone call for a report no your supposed to call us to get a report shes been here for like three hours no ok we will send her down.  Im free! 

415pm i am brought down in my lazy boy gurney and Jay is brought to my room to entertain me. i am given things from my locker and told it will be another hour or so before i can leave, they have to give me juice and make sure i dont throw up. I feel certain i wont. but who am i. and then i feel not so certain so im cool staying in the lazy boy as long as they want. Jay leaves having called Craig to come get me, but he is not to be found. they teach me to walk with my crutches let me get dressed and i cant leave so I call Lisa G. who comes and gets me. by 7 pm i am home - however i lost my phone in the taxi. 

lgood note , a man finds phone calls Lisa g. (as id requested via text message) and she goes to get my phone while Craig whos phone was fritzing has come down with soup and soda and bread and has made me a bowl of chicken noodle and sits with me until Lisa returns. they have a party to go to, i send tham on their way (only after making sure i can fit into my tiny bathroom with my crutches without falling over) 

I dont sleep well tuesday night, wed I am irritable, my apartment is hot, the blanket is in my way the pillows are too high, too low, not close enough, too far away. i have to pee all the time. the icee machine doesnt feel cold. I have cramps, oooohhhh! I have cramps NICE! thanks universal principals that say if your gonna be in pain, or on vacation, or getting laid that night then HA! no your not your getting cramps instead! HA!  ok so im a little irritable. knee pain ought to have been enough but no i guess im getting it all done at one time while i have the good drugs. still i dont like it. 

day 2 yes folks remember today is only my second day in bed i am bored, I am surrounded by pillows and blankets and sweatshirts and small table with computer and water and pills and crutches and a cat and i kind of feel like Jabba the hut with this giant pile of things surrounding me. 

I have things on the dvr to watch but i have yet to watch them, i have trimmed the cats claws and cut out a couple matts from her damn long fur. and i still have to pee every ten minutes its driving me a bi crazy. I am also doing my excercises, bend straighten bed straighten. good god Its so boring and yet exhausting. i have visitors which is lovely and one is on his way with coffee right now, the lovely Terry is bringing me a caramel machiatto, and i have to pee again. so ill let you know how day three goes - 

monday

aat 330 on my way out the door to my pole dancing class that goes from 4 - 6pm (yes knee surgery tomorrow, pole dance today.) I have no idea what time to hit the hospital so i call and the lady on the phone who is very sweet has no clue when i go in her first question is do you have time to answer a few questions - i didnt know i had to do a survey! ok i reluctantly agree hoping she will tell me when to show up for it,  her second question is do you know what kind of sugery your having tomorrow.... Do you know what kind f surgery Im having tomorrow? cause thats pretty important. I tell her knee surgery the right one arthroscopic, she says thats correct,  its not a multiple choice lady! is anyone currently hurting you abusing you emotionally or physically or threatening you in any way...If they were i wouldnt tell you since you asked me the same way you asked my name and address! when do i need to be there? she drones on a list of medical history questions that i am sure at 8 am i am going to have to check off on a slip of paper for insurance purposes but i answer no no no not to my knowledge not yet no. finally she tells me no later than 830 am my surgery is at 1030, when should i be done approximately oh 12 or 2 maybe 3 or 4 though you should bring a phone number with you and when its almost time to get you we will call someone in plenty of time so they can pick you up because we will know when your almost ready... i believe that is almost the exact quote. 

I call the med equiptment people with the fancy icee machine for your leg and they arent around. I leave a message, in turn they leave one back they will deliver by noon. great now i need a housesitter and an escort and my stress level has been driven up one more time. I have two hours left to ingest liquids solids water and as many mints as i can suck on. I am dried out my sinus' are bone dry i cant breathe my mouth is like a desert perhaps its stress, but at the mment there isnt enough water in the world for me and so what do i do? 

I go dance it all out in class, we so snake dives, descending angels and layouts and attempted jack knifes  6 turns to dance and i exhaust myself crying by the last one I slide down a wall back on the floor with my feet on the wall, my classmates cheer me up as we all leave - its the last class of the session and they will all continue on and i will have to wait a few months to rejoin and i find it depressing, heidi and i go to trailer park - i have a margarita. I was not told not to have alcohol. i was told not to have advil, funny isnt it! 

preparing for surgery

OK so Its Monday. I have no idea when i am going to the hospital tomorrow. No idea when my surgery is or if they will even let me have surgery since i seem to have heavy duty bronchial congestion and a runny nose - great. grrrr. I do not want any postponing. i cant be any more ready to go through with this bullshit and to be honest i am still of the mind that there is probably another way, a way around this whole surgical procedure thing only i haven't taken the time to explore it because i was in pain and wanted a quick fix. maybe that is oversimplifying. I know everyone says it is the correct decision. but i have a coworker with the same thing and he just lives with the pain, so on one hand i could have just said no to surgery, no one is forcing my hand, i made the decision after talking with several people - but it doesn't seem like enough. i feel like i just accepted what they told me, i didn't fight for something different, i didn't explore all the options before i jumped to this conclusion that was handed to me on a platter. sure lots of people have knee surgery but 6 weeks is alot to give up without a guarantee and its a lot of time to be out of work and relying on kindness from friends.

 

I have been preparing, i have been to the grocery store 3 times (i cant carry it all at once and i dont think of all the things i need at the same time- i have one more trip, i think)  I have been to the pet store but need to go again. I still haven't got the rolling chair, which i believe is the quintessential item to have when on crutches so you can take your coffee with you from room to room and not just drink it over the stove where you made it because you cant cart it around with you.  that's my next stop, then one last go at the whirlpool, lunch with a friend, a last upside down trick on the pole and a few dances in class, then its home to fritter away a few hours until close to midnight when i can no longer eat or drink anything including mints and water,- like id have mints and water for breakfast! - until post surgery at which time i will have a stunning headache to go with my knee pain from my lack of caffination. OK I'm getting ahead of myself.  I have hit the point where i am just ready for this to be done already before i go back to square one where i was kicking and screaming and hoping it would go away if i shut my eyes. before i cancel everything and beg to get some of my hours back at work saying it was a horrible mistake. tick tick tick , can we get on with it? 

OK I'm off to get the rolling chair =maybe this day will start to kick in.

its been awhile

Well I wish i could say i was going on another exotic trip or even a semi boring one but my next adventure is in knee surgery. One week from now i will be not eating or drinking anything including water until after they poke holes in my knee and my femur apparently. I was a bit overwhelmed by it all and pretty pissed that none of the doctors said i should try yoga accupuncture and apple cider vinegar and see how it goes hey i would have thrown in some meditation and organic veggies too! ok i do that anyway but instead i got 6 weeks on crutches. and six weeks to recover from said six weeks on crutches. hmmm. I was worried. thats along time to not work. I dont sit at a desk if i did i could go back to work very quickly but i run 25 flights to 50 flights of stairs a day with baskets weighing 5-15/20lbs each, and thats just work that doesnt include the flights at home, the miles of walking the dance classes, the walks in the park, the dancing, the gym, the swimming, the bike. I like to move.  In any case i have become one with it I am ready -except i dont want to give up pole class that part i am still mad about. i dont like that i am going to miss a whole lotta stuff and not get to move and i will feel it the lack of kinetic expression, the joy of moving, I miss my class with Polina for the kinestetics i miss acting and i miss writing. so I told myseld - If i had 3 months in a little cabin or by the beach with no distractions and i had nowhere to go then i would finish the writing projects.... damn. now im outta work for 3 months. on crutches with nowhere to go. stuck. soon. next week. so i am prepping. I am shopping for frozen food, for extra pet supplies and organizing my notebooks my sheet music and my reading material while debating the benefits of netflix. i will be ready. I think.  some damned adventure!

side effect

so i have this headache that i acquired in australia. at first i thought it was your general garden variety migrane, then went it decided to stick around for a few days i thought dehydration, not enough caffeine, pulled uscle from kayaking, whatever. the point is it stuck around for over a month now. my doctor has been gave me some pain killers (told me it had barbituate in it so she was only giving me a small amount and dont take ibuprofen with it) id been taking a lot of ibuprofen. i did not read the instuctions because last time id read side effects i discovered one called coffee ground vomiting. WOW! it sounded awful and entertaining all at the same time-eeeeeewwwww. but weird and what does that mean anyway! and why when you hear the side effects on commercials for drugs would you ever be sold on em?! well not knowing the side of effect of my fioricet was just fine with me - perhaps i just liked the word barbituate -kind of trippy. it also contains acetaminophen and caffeine - my favorite! i though eh whats the harm (also i have had a headache for a MONTH!) 

now the directions on the label says take two every 6 hours as directed. 

My doctor gave me a prescription for 10 pills - that if taken as directed is approx 2 1/2 days. 

ahem. 

I understand she is concerned about the habit forming properties that make up the cut little fioricet but really come on! 

I made them last a week and i could understand the concern - they make you nice and sleepy - if only shed prescribed these for me for my trip to australia i could have had some sleep on the plane!

Ok so i go back she prescribes me a neck xray a neurologist and flexeril.

Im pretty sure i was prescribed this for some knee or back injury and i left it in the med cabinet unused to this day (believe it or not i am not really interested in living off of pain pills i dont even like to take ibuprofen the drugs are reserved for intense cramps only and the occasional month long headache- it irritates my dr. when i tell him i dont want to take anything because its like i shot down his best idea of how to fix everything -try again people.

heres the thing i just read the side effects (i know i said i wouldnt -after coffee ground vomiting nothing else can compare- even death and blindness are seemingly common side effects these days and they bear little shock value to me.)  the side effects are HILARIOUS!

loss of coordination (i shut my fingers in the door and i fell off the chiropractic table, i trip ver chalk drawings on the street! who would ever know) 

mood swings and halucinations - I talk to myself - yes i admit it. so do most o the people i work with you just dont question it if it doesnt begin with your name why answer - just let em go they are probably working something out - no one will ever know-!) 

blurred vision - i actualy had trouble reading that one because i already hve blurred vision and my doctor called me blind the other day. 

but the best one is 

may cause headache

ahem.

why am i taking this? 

oh yes its a muscle relaxe it may help with my headache.

anyone else see how this may not be the drug for me? 

perhaps i should just smoke a joint! 

sydney to new york

Well i had a good last few days here (though really i wanted to be elsewhere -to get to see more- to extend and expand my visit) the problem is in five weeks in europe i felt satisfied that if i never got back to any one of those countries id live - i was sated. Here its too far away and too big and spread out and i didnt plan as well as i could (but you never know that until its too late so i guess i did plan as well as i could) and i feel that i have to come back to finish. I wanted to finish in one trip. I have other places to see. but i still am not done here. damn.

In anycas i had a great return flight to sydney with shanaz and her Mum picked us up at the airport and they were kind enough to let me hang with them for the day as we wandered around took the ferry to the quay popped into galleries at the rocks and had pastery at a lovely rude little french place that had the best chocolate caramel tarts so i went back every day. true i cannot resist caramel.
I had a great walk in the blue mountains I opted to skip the tour and just explore (i would have gotten around better on tour but i would not have been able to walk to all the things i saw it was great. i only saw 2 big ol spiders (i refused to look closely when i saw web in other places since i knew i had to walk through (the first spider was giant - meaning very long legged and yellow with a brown spot and the second was copper and brown really really shiny irridescent copper he made me jump over him but i didnt scream i wanted to take a pic of him but im not really that fond of them.
i had a big souvenir collecting day - i hate that part actually its hard to choose do i get the keychains or the magnets - no one really cares about keychains and magnets but they do care if you dont bring anything back! so i got tim tams everyone loves tim tams and they are authentic australian (my australian friends say so) and some assorted crap that hopefully will be put on a fridge somewhere
i finished off my groceries today (Do not mock me! yes i went grocery shopping , it seems unlikely since i havent stepped foot in the food emporium in ages but here the hostels have fabulous kitchens so i got some cereal and coffee and other bits and i ate in alot. i ate out a bit too. but i was trying to balance out the cost of the panadol advil nurofen stepasil ice packs ankle brace - did i mention the twisted ankle last week? or the cold passed to me in melbourne or the migrane (perhaps from the sun? or ear infection - suggested by someone else - or just a migrane with unfortunate timing? yeah im ignoring all of it. doctors are for NY -ice packs and things are just the same here, but i will say drugs cost alot more and the pharmacist is fabulous
" with this advil youll need to make sure youve eaten somthing before you take it also do not exceed six pills in a day thats a 24 hour period they are strong so be careful" WOW! its advil i take six at a time! she has the directions memorized, my pharmacist doesnt tell you what morphine could do to you let alone ibuprofen!
Anyway I ampacked and ready to go I have fun things to say but is 7 am and they floated right out of my brain as i sat down so too bad. Allthough while i remember i want to note waiters get paid 18$ an hour - try to get your check! they dont care you can stay all day they still get paid no one is rushing you out the door its amazing!
allright off to catch a plane, its about 530pm back home and im still trying to work out the math of when should i actually sleep on the flight that will make me the least lagged when i get there - i hate math.