Life Changing Event

one year since i have put a pen to paper.
one year since i have done anything remotely related to self care.
Life Changing Event.
one year.
One year ago I first heard the term Life Changing Event.

For weeks i heard it from every doctor and nurse and social worker and therapist.
 I swore I would punch the next person who said those words to me. of course i didn't.

One year ago today I received a call, my mother fell, she broke her leg.
"Don't worry, you shouldn't miss any work for this"

Morphine. she isn't speaking clearly. the nurses say its morphine. she will have a room tonight.
she may need surgery.

I call my mother. incoherent. Not in a morphine way.
My friend had a morphine drip when she was dying of cancer. She didn't sound like this.
Rest Mom, get some sleep. Ill call you in the morning your tired don't try to talk. Incoherent.
Knots in my stomach. why.

Fragility.
She isn't a fragile woman, she is strong. She owns her own business, she is a brilliant accountant with an incredible mind. Work is her life.
She is inherently unhealthy. She is overweight, diabetic, possible heart issues, stressed out of her mind, takes care of everyone else but not herself, fond of saying
"oh don't worry Im fine, everything is good"
She lies about her eating habits, her sugar intake, her personal finances, so you won't worry.

"Im sorry I scared your mother but I really had to, she wasn't taking it seriously, cardiac catheretization is serious, she needed to have it done and she needs to have a little bit of fear put into her... Your mother always bounces. Everytime she is sick she just bounces right back"
BOUNCE
bounce damn it. your supposed to bounce.

Vienna Teng, Hammerstien Ball room. I have no idea who she is. Invited to go with Terry, Chris, Angela...happy to see live music, especially if i have no idea what to expect.
Friday 630, missed call. Leave drink, step outside. Ive been waiting since morning.
something else is going on.
"don't worry, will call when we know more".

Stroke. 28 hrs. first three you can possibly get help. 28.

Work. call work.
Im sobbing on a street corner, sobbing, I can't see the numbers on the phone.
I never realized how much my mother was like my child. How much I felt like I raised her.
Im smoking, chain smoking, Im dialing.

breathe.
concert. dont panic. there is actually nothing you can do right now. nothing but worry.
bounce, she always bounces.

The lights have dimmed, my drink is waiting. The music is ethereal and the tears do not stop just because i am in a public place where I'm supposed to be enjoying myself. I do. The lighting is otherworldly. I enjoy the music, its beautiful, somehow that makes it worse. Would it be different if this was say Pink?  I am worrying about stealing all the napkins on the table to wipe my nose and tears. A hand on my shoulder, Im pulling it together. a hand on my hand, Im falling apart. I don't know if i will ever be able to listen to this music again.
Its beautiful.

Its not as bad as i feared but its bad. right hand not moving, right leg in cast, speech not working but her energy is there, her determination, her strength, her sense of humor.
three aunts and a grandmother I don't recognize because she has taking to wearing a wig since i last saw her are sitting there. we visit. we leave late.

Im back in the morning this will pass, this will get easier, it could be worse, it could be better 28 hours. Its just the morphine.

"This is a life changing event"
fuck you.
"For both of you"
bite me.

She needs a ct scan someone should be here at 5. I will. no problem. its sunday.
 I have coffee. Return at five. Mom is uncomfortable. she keeps slipping in the gurney. Ct scan done.
She comes back out the gurney is tilted so she is on her back and her legs are in the air.
as we return she complains of being uncomfortable she is having a hard time breathing.

Almost there. her room Nurses helping her to bed. Cant breathe. she is crying. can't. can't
She is scratching at the headboard. At the walls She is trying to swing her legs to get up she is fighting two nurses and her physical injuries to breathe.

 Its slow motion but it happens so quickly
 the code is being announced for the respiratory team to her room.
The team is rushing in, several maybe so many people and carts and they have her down on...the bed? a table? The roommate is ushered out people are coming and going I'm invisible. Im trapped by equipment, dread, and a surreal panic that I may be watching my mother die.

"Do we take extreme measures!?"
"YES!YES!" she doesn't want extreme measures, I know this.  if she was on life support she wants the plug pulled, but this is different isn't it?

"we have to intubate her"
I have no idea what that means but i watch. I can't look away.

I call my aunt the nurse. no answer. I call my aunt who panics.
"Dont panic" that never works,
"Mom has been intubated and they are taking her to the ICU"
panic ensues. she will be here in twenty.

A nurse grabs my arm. Im a friend of your aunts I work with her in the ICU, she will be here in twenty minutes. we are going to take good care of your mom.

Tralee, Ireland 2007