I have a years worth of writing.
I thought about it. I tried to write as it happened, but it wasn't possible for so many reasons.
I couldn't relive the experience in words on paper after living it daily. I had no perspective.
Im still not sure I have any.
Im alone in a small waiting room by the ICU there is a family waiting, they look like they live there.
A woman wrapped in blankets has turned the pseudo closet into a bedroom, her computer by her side. She is facing the wall leaning on her pillow watching a movie with one kid slumped over her.
A man is making a call on his cell and speaking with her, another woman and two kids are watching something else on the overhead tv. They are all together. They stare as i enter.
I have stopped crying. Im staring at the door. Im numb.
My 3 aunts and uncle come in and sit with me. the man from the other family has left and returned with a large pizza. I'm hungry. Ive lost track of time and conversation.
glass walls, sliding glass doors, curtains, a nurse desk in the center, the patient rooms dark save the eerie blueish nighttime glow from various bits of hospital equipment and the occasional tv.
Tubes and wires and IVs. did I make the right decision.
My intention is to go to her home. they don't want me to be alone. I sleep on a couch after being served a lemon drop. work. I won't be going back this week. Maybe next. play it by ear.
they understand. I wish I did.
the days are a blur. She opens her eyes and looks at me. She is pissed. she is rolling her eyes at the tubes and shaking her head, her eyes welled with tears. Frustration. She doesn't want this.
"Your not on life support mom. If there was a plug to pull, I would pull it"
Would I?
Incoherent. awake. a few more days. thick liquids. Drs. Nurses. Interns. Therapists.
Its the therapists I hate immediately.
Can you tell me what year it is? Is it 1975, 2003 or 2013?
Can you tell me where you were born? How many siblings do you have? How many children?
Where are you? what is that is that a radio a telephone or a television?
Confusion. the answers are so wrong its terrifying. Stop torturing her! I want to scream, Your making it worse! I have to leave the room. I can no longer remain positive, calm, hopeful.
I don't make it down the hall before Im wracked in the middle of an ICU hallway holding myself up with a wall. barely.
This is good for her, they have to do this to figure out where she is and start to work with her.
My aunt is a nurse. she is very practical. She has a great sense of humor and she will be one of my best supports in the next year. She took me to get my ears pierced on my twelfth birthday against my mothers wishes. We laughed our way through jaws 3d and went strawberry picking when I was little. she removed my stitches from a bike accident, in her kitchen. She is crying as she comforts.
They are torturing her. In the next days I realize it is me that feels tortured. I soon realize I want them to push her harder, suddenly what seemed like torture doesn't seem to be enough. I want them to push her. To fix her. I want her to bounce.
They send her back to 6, the Neuro floor, back to where we started and worse off than when we left.
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