submit this

Goddammit!!  Yeah I'm starting like that! I'm so... I'm... I'm...what?!

sigh. over it. 

I turned in some writing I submitted actually, the deadline being end of January and what I expect is some auto response form letter saying thank you for your submission, that's how it goes, that's what you get when you submit yourself to festivals, contests and the like. I'm not dumb I asked a few people to give feedback, two actor/writers, two non performers, one solid writer. I got one unclear and so i sat down and clarified what was unclear. only one unclear out of five. one mostly clear and three nice and creepies, yes creepy. That's what id hoped for. So I cleared the unclear and kissed it goodbye - its the first crap Ive written in forever to actually submit, I know, not top notch but I actually thought they were pretty good candidates.  The thing is I honestly fully expected a thank you for your submission and sometime in Feb a 'thank you, but we don't feel your piece suits our needs at this time' form letter. In fact its what I wanted, confirmation i sent it and confirmation it was looked at. I had no expectations other than that and I could walk away proud to have put myself out there again after years of not doing it. And I was and I am, except I get a critique, not a thanks, a full on tear into you, shred your work sort of critique. OK i can handle it but I didn't ask you to critique me or my work. 

" I like the way you got around the exposition",  is that a jab because it sounded really snide in email form or maybe it was a compliment but compliments were not being handed out in this email so I don't think so.  'A weak ending'. I can give you a weak ending- Maybe.  I liked the ending so did a few others but i can see how youd want more, and to be honest jab or not I liked the way i got around the exposition too! That was my first piece not bad, the 2nd? where to begin? About the clarity, 'having read 3 times still didn't get it. How will an audience'. OK. I can take criticism for work and i am happy to hear what someone misses and needs clarified. I am happy to go back and fix it if i can or feel its necessary and i will look at both pieces and consider all points. 

On one hand i appreciate the chance to learn, to grow, to take in criticism and weigh it against my true feeling about what i have done. I am happy to try new approaches and I am thankful for the unexpected point by point. But my point is that it was not expected!  I didn't send my work to a teacher for a grade! I was thrown off!  A simple yes or no after all submission are received would have been expected and accepted. This was more like being challenged to a duel. 'Your literary sword is weak my friend take that!'  Well Ouch. No shit! Call me a fucking beginner. that's where I am. That's where I will be hanging for a bit. This is called honing my skills.

So, as much as i want to say- hey I didn't ask for you to pre-judge the stuff i sent to be judged! Instead I said thank you for that, no one had to tell me the problems. My friends whom I adore, went soft on me, I reminded them I hadn't done anything in a bit and asked them to go easy, obviously they went too easy and maybe my critic went too hard, but probably not.  Now i have to go rework it and resubmit because, Dude! if your gonna give me advice, I am gonna be on it and you have now just put yourself in the line of fire. Im going to rewrite and resubmit until you say OOOOH NICE and CREEPY.  just remember you opened that can of worms.  

guacamole

I know its not a big issue, its not a hot topic. i am not writing politically relevant thought provoking blogs that inspire you and make you think, and dont think i dont feel a little bad about that. I'd like to be that woman. I am not. I do think about the hard hitting news stories and politics and social issues affecting myself and my loved ones - I'm watching msnbc right now and i am following several blogs that do just that, and they do it quite well. So I thought I would write about guacamole. 

No not everyday, you can only say so much about guacamole.

I just ate a lot of it. No really like two avocados worth. With chips. I lied to myself and called it dinner. Like broccoli and potato. HA. I didn't fool myself and I'm a little sick to my stomach. I hope you haven't been following along or you might already know that I am having severe issues of becoming jabbaesque while I am incapacitated after my knee surgery. 3 more weeks of non weight bearing (meaning no eliptical machine) crutch useage. 

Never Mind that! i tend to get off track and i like to use the new line to break away i know grammatically incorrect as i am still on the same tangent but i am also not here to appease your grammatical needs. back to Guacamole. 

  I never liked guacamole! I grew up in western mass. there was nary a Mexican restaurant. My first Mexican food experience was in - i hate admitting this part- Little Rock Ark. I KNOW!! who would have thought it!? but its true! I was 12 i came home touting the unparalleled deliciousness of fried ice cream to the dismaying response of "you cant fry ice cream" on every front!  But I was afraid of the green mushy thing made from avocado - whatever the hell that was. It looked slimey and I was quite sure it would be worse than mushrooms. Some things you just know intrinsically! 

A Mexican chain food restaurant finally hit New England and I was proven right that fried ice cream does exist. but i was also once again confronted with slimy looking green mush that kind of turned my stomach and i refused to eat. I reaffirmed my vow i would not try the avocado. 

I moved to NYC I eventually shacked up with a man from Arizona - now that's where you expect to find Mexican food,  southwest! not Arkansas! I learned almost nothing about Mexican food, except the chain i ate at was disgusting, margaritas are awesome and one shouldn't live without them (my opinion), you can sip patron and something about carne asada that i don't remember -he'd tell me if i asked him.  I still passed on the guac. why bother salsa was around . I was quite happy leaving him the guac as long as he kept the salsa dish filled!  

Cutting to the chase, years pass I work in theater - maybe we established that maybe not, i was keeping it vague for those venting moments but what the hell. I work backstage so i have a lot of free time in the day and i go out a lot at night. I also rarely cook and find i am drawn to a good salad and good Mexican more than any other food options(ok maybe pizza and no now is NOT the time to bring up my jabba complex, thank you!). I think i could eat Mexican food everyday. and I am sure its at least weekly. perhaps its the giant margarita i really want... 

OK so somehow i end up at a tequila bar - being sick of the usual joint my friends and i test the fancy new joint on the corner - once seated i realize it must be really fancy because they serve CRICKETS on the menu - yes CRICKETS, i think fried actually which makes me sick thinking about it! it is so disturbing to me. I will be honest my 6 yr old taste buds were terrified that a leg might end up on anything i ordered esp. if cooked on the same grill hell the same kitchen! Tears(yes tears) filled my eyes and i held them back but my company caught it and laughed at me appropriately - i felt i would skip the dinner portion and just have a drink.  i know how things go, and if there is going to be a random item amongst anyones portions it would inevitably be the one who would most fear it, scream and feel guilt at the same time she was shrieking, yes me. it has happened. not with crickets. I am not a fan of the insect kingdom. they can go places i don't want them to.

The table ordered the guacamole trio and being a fancy place had little, no or bad salsa - i was slightly perturbed. i sucked down my mini margarita that cost more than a pitcher at my hole in the wall. i ordered another and realized that the guac with the pomegranate seeds looked kind of cool everyone was raving and i had already been made fun of enough i thought i wouldn't let my 6 yr old taste buds get the better of me a second time on one night but really i wanted to go home and have a grilled cheese. I tasted the guac......uhm it was delicious, somehow the pomegranate transformed the icky slimy looking green stuff into an interesting colorful experience and all of a sudden we are ordering another round because essentially its all i am eating in this place! 

since then i have tried guac at several places i go out of my way to order it when at a new spot, i still love salsa but my options have expanded! 

I bought all the ingredients to make  pomegranate guac at home but i have no idea how to work a pomegranate they are one bizzare fruit - now i have experience with weird fru.....oh wait thats different... never mind. So i stuck with plain, i don't need to extract seeds from this contraption that may be a flesh eating plant- like a fly trap for all i know. I had the guac for dinner and since then i have made guacamole an inordinate number of times, its cheap its easy i can call it dinner and have it by the tv, its filling and tasty and, and, and... Im addicted. I know i should stop but i cant, i ate one and a half avocado tonight a plum tomato some onion and lime and like how many chips and i called it dinner. and it was but i should have stopped at one avacado or like 3/4 or just half and have a real meal but no! i couldn't and now here i am. confessing my love and addiction to guac. there is some left but i cant eat it.  I have to remember to only buy one avocado at a time i have no self control. And! I'm supposed to have lunch at a Mexican place tomorrow and margaritas with those same friends on Sunday - yes that means Mexican, thats like 3 times this week not including my guac fest. Did i mention the jabba thng? yeah i thought so.... excuse me i have to go. 

I am good? ...

I have nothing today, but then i think i start everyday that way. I wrote 2 one page plays yesterday, one is eh, the other is great - well i love it and had good feedback, and why should i apologize for thinking my work is good? I don't always think it is, but i almost always apologize when i think its good. Why the hell is that?   Do you do that? Most women I know do. they are apologetic for their achievements as if to avoid offending anyone by saying "Im good". 

Years ago I lived with some pot head roomies they had a "friend" who'd drop by once in a while, one day they called and said he was coming over but their car had broken down and would i just let him in and be nice and give him a beer and theyd be there soon unless i had money and theyd pay me back.

 I was in for the night so I let the guy in, he early 20's, I gave him a beer as instructed and explained the car breaking thing. He started talking about school, he was in a music program and he said You know its funny I am really great at it. I am. I am good with music i love it and its my gift my talent and people hate me for saying it. I was a little confused, He said he wasnt downing anyone else's talents but why was it ok for him to say so and so was good but not to say he was good too? he didn't sound arrogant he didn't seem like he was putting on airs like we imagine from one who proclaims themselves talented and good -he just knew he was doing what he should and what he loved and what he was good at. " dropping in on friends" occasionally helped him pay the way. Other people in the program thought he was a prick. He wasn't, and he wasn't worried about what they thought. 

I was. for a long time. I would wonder what will people think of me if i say I'm good at something? Will I be shunned or hated or a bitch? I wont seem gracious! People wont like me! Im not arrogant! Im not a bitch!  Well, I wasted a lot of my time. I wasted a lot of my dreams. I wasted a lot of my talent.  So I wouldn't offend others. I lost friends (usually when i tried to adopt the devil may care i am good at it attitude, which was disheartening) and I'm still not there. Not completely but I do like my work, I do think i am good, but i still get a little queasy saying that or writing it down, like the sky is going to fall on me and i will pay for it later. 

Catholic guilt? being raised female?  artistic fear and guilt? self involved bullshit? 

who knows, maybe all of the above but i needed to write something today because i said i would dammit! Oh please! I don't expect you to read all this drivel - that would be deadly boring. I promise if its a good one, Ill let you know!

another day another set of PT

week four in the jungle....

my limbs are tired and aching from all the work especially my hands.  My palms are sore and not just the skin, there are actual muscles within the center of my hands that ache and throb each morning. My hands are not reliable at first light. My shoulders are getting stronger, it will be a plus when i return to work.  My arms don't look bigger, thank god cause they are big enough, but i feel i can lift a bit more. i am stronger overall, i think, i hope. I must remember to add to or rearrange the PT mix on my itunes.  My concern for the day is my body. At first, i was sure i would become a jabba like figure by week 6 but it seems i have maintained my weight within a few lbs,  all of which will be rectified when i am mobile and can ride a bike again - i may move into the gym at that point. I don't have much to report today. 

last night I strolled out into the arctic NY weather and made my way down 8Th avenue to 46Th st. I descended into the madness that is my workplace to say hello, to remind them I am alive and to confront the entity that gave my disability forms to the Workman's comp insurance company.  All went well. Most of the creatures were happy to see me though shocked I was mobile,  shocked I didn't have huge horrible scars,  shocked I didn't need their help to move about and navigate my way through the long narrow hallways and dubious stairwells. I couldn't shake my self appointed escort, my boss, watching, making sure i sat and didn't 'overdo' it. for a brief moment I felt I was trapped in the office with people coming and going but i timed my visit rather well. I was out in under two hours, made contact with several of the unrulier of the employees, had cookies and left. I considered taxiing home but that seemed like it would be giving in to weakness so i walked the 7 blocks returning to my home, it was a slow and exhausting process.  but i feel i don't get enough exercises and i need all the help i can get right now. even if it is just arms.  

well i put my time in today and now i am off to PT myself again, this time with the abs - please send help. 

running for bureaucracy

So I have heard nothing about my disability status, its a lousy 170.00 a week, not enough to live on but its better than 00.00 a week so I'm not complaining.

Well, I am, that's why I'm writing, but not about the measly amount the gov.'t thinks people are supposed to be able to live on when they get unemployment or disability, but about the fact its been weeks and i hear nothing!

 I call NYS yesterday, the woman was extremely unhelpful as i believe i mentioned, so today I call my employer, speak to the man who should know what to do with all my info and the paperwork i passed on to him, that he apparently is supposed to take care of.  My form from the govt states, 'fill out' - check, 'have doctor fill out' - check, 'send to employer'- check, but i get no check. No one has called, no forms in the mail, nothing,  just that unnerving silence. 

With unemployment i get bombarded with packets of info and things to sign and numbers to call, so i am a little worried and want to know whats going on. I call my companies manager and ask about my form, he informs me he gave it to his Workman's comp provider but told them not to worry about it, it had nothing to do with work. So basically he did nothing with it! At best, he misfiled it.  At worst he tossed it aside without getting the correct information or bothering to inform me that he didn't see any reason i was turning in this useless paperwork to him! At best worst he just has no idea how disability differs from Workman's comp and thought he gave the form to the correct folks with the right instructions, put it in a file somewhere it means nothing. The killer is  that no one told me that they didn't get it! So let me inform you in case you dont already know, there is a time limit on applying for disability! 30 days!  I listen to co. guy tell me he sent it but there's nothing to be done and i tell him thanks i will be calling you later with other questions if i have them, he says fine. 

I call NYS, perhaps i should have waited until i was done sobbing and stopped hyperventilating but to be honest I'm on a fucking time limit and i need answers right now! WTF?!?!? who do i deal with? where do i send these forms? who has the answers? why doesnt any one know whats gong on myself included? Thank you wonderful lady at NYS who was not grouchy or was just shocked she had an hysterical woman on the phone trying her best to remain calm, she looked up the ins. carrier - gave me a policy # a phone # and told me to check with them, maybe i could just fax my info to them and most like my employer didn't understand the difference bet disability and comp. she sighed like it happens a lot, I think the company thinks they are somehow getting screwed by an employee if they apply for benefits, I'm sure the manager is just trying to keep costs down. but fuck that! I cant move my damn leg I run 25 flights a shift with heavy things and i cant do it. I have costs too, I need the help and i want this cleared up now! I thank the NYS lady profusely and call the office again, he is on another line, i leave a message, i inform him of the name of the ins. co he was supposed to send it to, offer the number, give him my number and ask him to return my call so we can take care of this. 

now i am on the phone, on hold with the ins. company for 31.27 minutes and counting waiting to see if i can corroborate the information and fax my own damn forms to them since my company is giving me the runaround. Finally!  just got through, not getting too excited i have to get my ass to staples now - fax this paperwork and wait 2 days to see if it went through. but at least someone gave me an answer! thank you for all the exercise bureaucrats!

I have dropped everything, and i mean everything i have touched in the last 20 hours.

It began yesterday. I went to shower,  for perspective remember i am on crutches, 3 weeks to go, I cant carry things and we have already established the use of the rolling chair and that pockets are handy, but so is the bra. Every woman knows that you can store stuff with your boobs. 

I had on a workout tank with built in shelf bra, very handy actually, i put my phone their so as i got my coffee and collected things to wear i wouldn't have to speed hobble to the phone when either of the two phone calls i was expecting happened. I proceeded to the point where it was shower time, call or no call and reminded myself "before you undress put the phone on the shelf".   I turned on the water figured out a way to jump out of my lower garments, crossed my arms and yanked my top over my head sending my phone flying into the air and directly into the toilet. 

Fortunately i clean it regularly and it was in as good a reaching in condition as you can get and i did so instantly without hesitation, not the reaction i would have had if say i lost a comb, a barrette or a q tip -those would require a fork and a dainty sense of cleanliness = godliness  and a 'please don't make me put my hand in the toilet moment'. but no.  i didn't let the thought get that far. My hand was in and out, my phone was apart in three seconds. i toweled it down wiped it with alcohol pads and thoroughly scrubbed my hands before i would have finished thinking about fishing for  a q tip. 

 by eleven pm most of the phone was working only the 9 key was out of order but today thankfully if was back. i woke up to drop  a plate on foot and coffee on the table I dropped my crutches on my bad knee, the toilet in an outrageous act of defiance decided to back up and require plunging  which is difficult to do while hanging on to your crutches which fell on me again, and then fell the other way, the cat tried to trip me twice on purpose and my sense of humor broke but i got it up and running again after i plunged. The folks at new york state disability helpline just asked me stupid questions and grunted when  I tried to ask my stupid questions and were basically about as unhelpful as a human can possibly get and with a 30 day time limit on applications i thought they might be a little less helpful frankly so i shouldn't complain.

 I walked 7 blocks to PT cause i cant really afford to take a cab as i have no income at the moment, and i lamented the fact i was unable to go to my class, in fact i wasn't able to register for pole this session, i am hoping to rectify that, hoping that i can get four classes in as of February, now i know i cant spin and flip, frankly i cant even walk so who am i kidding. but it would be nice to do some floor warm up and ab work and listen to good music and enjoy the camaraderie (if there is any left). I walked home from PT,  ordered new underarm cushions for my crutches (i lost one at Benjamin button - my first movie outing) and came home. James was kind enough to drop off my laundry and even offered to pick it up after the gym tomorrow  THANK YOU!! in the end i can not thank my friends enough, all the people in my life are fucking amazing, I cant be irritated with a universe that gives me that.  I am quite lucky to have what i do i just wish i had better coordination when i was stressed!

getting it write this time

I don't feel like titling today! I have no idea what I'm writing about or why, frankly I just need to start writing more. I gave up. I stopped. I got an email from my coach. I abandoned it a year ago, well mostly.  I still carry my notes with me and have my research all over my desk and I dread the idea of going back and reading what I've written for fear it will be awful or incomprehensible or totally lackluster and uninspiring. I peeked and it was good. I want to finish but iI think i must be inherently lazy. I procrastinate beautifully, if only one could get paid for procrastination! 

The truth is before this knee surgery (which by the way sucks! I can move about i have crutches but every move requires contemplation, effort and thought, just getting coffee from the kitchen to the couch in a studio apartment is an unbelievable bitch! thank god i bought the rolling chair! (sorry tangent) ) I thought well you wanted time to write. I often have told myself - if i only had three months where i had nothing to do - if i could sit in a cabin by a lake or a place near an ocean and had nothing to distract me, i could do wonders in three months. - O.k. well, there is no cabin or ocean, I am trapped in my apartment and  for the first time I regret the cable tv, (i just got it a few months ago for he first time in 8 years and I was forced into it by this whole "your tv wont work in 2009 if your analog" - what the hell is wrong with being analog?)  It is amazing how absolutely distracting it can be.  I have been out of work for three weeks -

 week 1  was basically sitting in bed with my leg propped up and attached to what can be described as an icee machine - keeping the leg cool. 

 week 2 I was kidnapped by my family and taken hostage for the holidays, I am happy they did, I wanted to see my grandparents, my parents, my siblings and the extended, but its a week away from your routine (as if i have one at this point!)

 week 3 is that vortex week that only occurs between xmas and new year, no one really does anything productive,  work schedules are weird, schools are unclear about what to do, people arent sure if they are on vacation or not.  its a wasted week across the country we all just watch those how did the year turn out programs- the best,  the worst, the most mediocre of 2008!!

    So I shouldnt feel so bad about wasting my time watching reruns of Law and Order, CI,   SVU, CSI, NCIS, ETC. ETC. ETC!! (the last three arent officially on tv yet but i would probably watch them!! apparently i am really into tv with initials!)  In any case, not being a tv watcher i have been unduly sucked into the vortex and am finding it hard to escape, my friends, knowing I would be incapactitated for at least six weeks, showered me with dvd sets of tv shows like 30 rock, weeds, couplings, heroes - i feel obligated to watch them all before i return to work so they know their gifts and more importantly their efforts to assist in my recovery were not in vain! But I  watch the time slip away and i begin to fret and anxiety creeps up on me and I think " your missing your chance!! What about all those lofty plans?!  You need to finish a project! You wanted three months to finish your work now you have them dont fuck it up!" 

I dont want to,  but I am afraid its possible that i will, i cant remember the last time I completed a project and I  dont know why I have such an odd block. I miss writing with someone. I miss having a person to bounce it all off of, to praise, to listen to, comment on, to encourage and be encouraged by. I hope I am starting the new year right.

 Can I call this a start? 

Too bad,  I am.